Call a Therapist, STAT
by Rainbow Stevie
Summary: You know what the entire Caine family needs? Therapy. Desperately. Speedle will be your guide to a brief summation of the reasons why.
1. In the beginning

"This is just a bit of silliness, really." – _Finding Neverland_

And so it is. Inspired entirely by a one-line post on the message boards of Talk CSI, I thought that as we're heading into a new season which promises unprecedented levels of drama, now would be a good time to catch up with and take stock of the pre-existing levels of drama surrounding Horatio & family, which are already off the charts. (erm, again. In a different way than I usually do) I was going to try to summarize it in a single paragraph to respond to the post, but I kept thinking of more and more things to add to it, until it became this slightly twisted story. Not much new information here, but plenty of commentary. I have taken only moderate pains to stay in character. _ RS_

Disclaimer: Are you kidding? I would never have the courage to imagine one character could suffer this much in four years. That's all Ann Donahue's doing, her and her team of writers under the intimidating shadow of Alliance Atlantis Productions & CBS. I don't own anything, not even the idea of all guardian angels being young, cute and female.

**Call a Therapist, STAT**

"You know what the whole Caine family needs? Therapy. Desperately."

Hey, Tim Speedle here. Ordinarily, after death, souls go straight to Heaven and _stay_ there, but I seem to have this giant contingency of "fans" that won't let me go, so I'm here telling yet another story. And it all started because I was walking by the wrong place at the wrong time, and Mary-Anne's voice carries.

Now, ordinarily I try not to eavesdrop on the guardian angels, because I am very respectful of others' privacy. That, and they'll report you in a heartbeat. You may not be aware that Heaven operates on the demerit system, but it does, and the consequences are a step beyond detention. Since sarcasm counts as an infraction too, I generally make every attempt to fly under the radar.

But when I overhear them mention my old boss, I have to sit up and take notice.

True, there are several thousand people on earth who answer to the surname Caine, so you might not think I had any reason to jump to that conclusion…but of all those people, none of them are quite as legendary around here as Horatio for "number of times one life has been saved from certain death by angelic intervention." And of course, I had to open my big mouth and ask if they were talking about who I thought they were (yes) and exactly what they meant (cacophonous explosion of complaints). Apparently, it's wearing on the girls, constantly saving these peoples' lives from either homicidal threat or thoughts of suicide, and they think that instead of racing after them day and night, a lot of Horatio's, Yelina's, and the Raymonds' problems could be solved with a little therapy.

However, before a therapist can start to correct the problems, he needs to know how they got to this point. That's where I come in, apparently. Somehow, in a way I haven't quite worked out, I've been appointed as the sole voice to summarize their history. I tried to point out that I haven't been tracking the last two years in any great detail, and even before that I didn't exactly hear all about H's personal life, but the girls would have none of it. They insist that since I actually worked with him for a few years, I have unique perspective, and they were quite helpful about providing their own reports to fill in the rest of the details…so I agreed.

You don't refuse Mary-Anne.

You just don't.

And I have to admit that it's been a real eye-opener. My former boss was not nearly as infallible as he had us believe. By the same token, his brother sounds like such a screw-up that I have difficulty understanding why H bent over backwards defending him. Lastly, in light of the facts about both of them, I don't think I gave Yelina nearly enough credit for restraining herself from ever slapping either one. As far as I know, anyway.

Ah. One of the other angels in charge, who would like to remain anonymous, is giving me the "move along" signal, or in other words, "Enough background, quit procrastinating and start the story already." So without further ado, allow me to begin with the Ballad of Raymond. I never actually met the guy, but I'm tempted to hate him just on principle.

In a nutshell: despite being begged not to work narcotics, Ray did! Got in deep and dirty, too. Doing drugs, mostly methamphetamines. Cheated on his wife with one of the girls in the drug ring; even fathered an illegitimate daughter, although to be fair he didn't know about that last part. Finally, the Feds caught him dirty on tape. He got an ultimatum – work for them, or go to jail. He chose door #1 and all that it entailed - mostly faking his own death, leaving behind a wife and young (legitimate) son.

You know, no matter how many times I hear this story, even though I was neither a husband nor a father, I don't quite understand how a life on the lam and never seeing his family again was preferable to jail time. True, his reputation would be in shambles, but it kind of ended up that way anyway, and at least with jail there are visitation rights. The only other explanation I have is that Ray was just a yellow-bellied coward. And…Serena, why are you whispering? Oh, I am not going to regret saying that next week. Who's telling this story, anyway?

Fast-forward to not-quite-two-years later, where Yelina suddenly had eyes for her dead husband's brother.

Who unfortunately had a serious Catholic complex, and the best (or worst, depending on your point of view) sense of familial honor in the history of the world, so he couldn't let himself be attracted to her, because she was still his brother's wife. Officially. Unofficially, they had shared meals and hung out like totally innocent siblings-in-law, except for the constant sad looks of longing, tentative touches, and other things widely referred to as "UST." Clearly, neither the lieutenant nor the detective has ever watched X-Files.

(Oh, and did I mention how they perfected the art of talking in metaphors? _Everybody_ noticed that. It was like a nervous tic with those two.)

They behaved in this increasingly annoying manner – seriously, Delko and I had a drinking game based on it – for exactly one year, and then Horatio found out about Ray's illegitimate child with Suzie Keaton, Madison. Madison had red hair "and looked just like him." Remember that; it will be important in a second.

In the meantime, he decided there was really no need to tell Yelina about that; he would just distract her with news that he put his brother's killer in jail, while on the side he kept busy supporting his niece and her mother, visiting them, finding them an apartment, that sort of thing.

That worked out nicely for a couple months, until niece and brother's former-mistress showed up at a crime scene we were working, a sight which provided Delko and Calleigh and I with break-room gossip for months. Well, it's not like H tells us anything. Sorry. Anyway, the first person Suzie talked to was Yelina, asking her to pass on the message to H that they could "apartment-hunt another day." The next line I'm giving over to Shari, because her imitation is better than anything I could come up with.

"Yelina: OMGWTFYOUHAVEASECRETDAUGHTER! That's it, I'm going out with your arch-rival, even though he leers."

So although this would be a really good time to get back at Ray, Horatio, for reasons to be determined by the therapist, decided it would somehow hurt her less if didn't tell her about her husband's cheating. Again…why? Raymond already had several strikes against him; all this did was establish that Yelina couldn't trust her brother-in-law any more than her husband, leaving her with no one to turn to. Ooh, I like this line in Rosalind's writing – "But in the end, fraternal loyalty supercedes matters of the heart, and he sacrificed his own happiness to put his brother's memory first." See, that's an extremely poetic way of putting it. My version included a word that can be represented by dollar signs and an ampersand, but as previously mentioned…demerits. Okay, all right, this story isn't about me. I heard you the first time. No, come on, I do not need a time-out to discuss appropriate vs. inappropriate breaks in narrative flow…

And by that, of course, I mean my throat suddenly feels a little dry, so I'm going to go get a drink of water. Be right back.


	2. Lies Are Hurtful

Disclaimer: In the interest of full disclosure, I borrowed a line from the official CBS site's episode summary, as well as the season 5 tagline.

A/n: Glad so many of you got my humor; your reviews alone made me laugh! Thanks, Rosefern, for speaking up; I couldn't remember who had posted that on the message board.

I feel like this chapter sounds different; more summary and less random humor? I don't know. I was going to do seasons 3 & 4 in one chapter and be done with it, but then I started expanding what I had on season 3 and it ended up being quite long…so it gets its own chapter. There IS more coming.

Chapter Two: Lies Are Hurtful  


Much better. Now, where were we? Right, the relationship that broke up before it began.

Feeling a little betrayed by one of the few people she trusted implicitly, Yelina accepted a date with Stetler and then proceeded to date him for quite some time, even after he gave her a black eye. She denied this occurrence, knowing H wanted a reason to a) say I told you so and b) punch Rick. He and the Rickster, you see, have a long grudge match stemming from the time Horatio got a promotion that Stetler didn't, even though Stetler thought he should have gotten it due to the qualification of Being More Awesome. Consequently, Stetler's life is devoted to giving H and the members of his team as much grief as possible, which H meets with increasingly open hostility.

For example, when a suspect went shrieking to the people in charge that Horatio dislocated his shoulder while arresting him. Stetler promptly swooped in to investigate, and as near as I can tell, the conversation went something like, "This unbalanced petty criminal says you hurt him. I relieve thee of duty!" My girl Calleigh took about two hours to come up with proof to the contrary and smack Rick over the head with it, but Horatio still got ordered to see the counselor. I hate to say anything nice about that guy, but at least SOMEBODY recognized the need for it.

All the same, when _Rick Stetler_ takes charge of your mental health, that's a scary thing. You have to be really on the edge for _Rick Stetler_ to be the one that notices that you are legitimately in need of professional help. And thus Horatio was ordered to therapy about his "unresolved issues," which mostly involved me.

Can I just skip this part?

What do you mean, "Don't I think I already skipped an important part?"

Fine. I GOT KILLED. Are you happy? H and I went into the damn jewelry store, and my gun misfired, and I got shot and I died and it sucked.

Because H has a ridiculously large guilt complex, he twisted the scene around and convinced himself it was his fault and he didn't do enough to save me, or something (I'll bet the therapist can somehow tie this in to his brother). Rather than, say, just blaming the guy that shot me. Or the faulty firing pin in the gun.

FAULTY FIRING PIN.

This was the first time that Stetler suggested, nicely, that he might want to see a counselor…when his suggestion was not taken, he changed it to an official order. Incidentally, if Horatio had just kept that stupid appointment two years ago, today would have been a much better day. Completely devoid of storytelling.

Unluckily for me, his version of obeying orders was to go tell his girlfriend about the recurring dream where he's in my place and it's his gun that jams. Look, I'm not going to analyze the dream. That's not my job. I just don't understand how that didn't set off, I don't know, a chain reaction of neon lights pointing to "call a therapist, STAT." But since Rebecca Nevins does not have a license to practice therapy on her wall next to the one that lets her practice law, talking to her didn't do a lot of good in the long run.

Before I forget, let me quickly catch you up on the youngest Caine's escapades. Ray Jr., after an elementary school stint of playground fights, continued to act out in junior high by befriending teenage hooligans who shoot paint guns at homeless old men, giving them heart attacks. Yeah, I said hooligans.

Not too long after, Horatio discovered that Madison (the illegitimate Caine) had been diagnosed with leukemia, and needed a bone marrow transplant. That all by itself is probably enough to drive a person into therapy. For H, it also meant that he was backed into a corner, and finally had to admit all the dirty details surrounding her birth . Arguably less ticked off by Raymond's cheating than Horatio's attempt to cover it up/bold-faced lies, she promptly ran back into the arms of Stetler for a few more weeks. Nobody's seen Madison since, but I checked and she's not up here, so presumably that worked itself out.

On the other hand, Horatio kicked Rebecca to the curb because she insulted Yelina and gave her lip. He claimed that wasn't actually the reason, but look at his track record for telling women the truth. I only mention this because it's the first in a long string of relationships that ended badly, and therapists love that kind of thing.

I feel like I'm forgetting something about this year; there's so much to keep track of…oh, right. He also racked up another arch-nemesis – this time, one with judicial powers. That, too, eventually came back to bite him in the ass.

Wait, you didn't think I was done, did you? That only gets you from summer 2004 up to April of the following year. This saga is getting ridiculously long, and it only gets worse.

Around this time, he started hearing whispers that his brother might still be alive. Yep, dead brother isn't actually dead, merely in hiding and/or undercover somewhere. I want to run to a psychiatrist just _hearing_ that. Despite repeated threats to back off - issued by a tall, spooky-looking FBI agent – he continued to dig until he got to the bottom of it. Didn't learn his lesson about keeping Ray's secrets from her, either; she had to stare him down just to force him to admit it was "possible" that Ray was still alive.

The next day, Stetler was back to the black-eye business. This time, though, it was in the context of him leaving with one of his own. No reason to keep an abusive boyfriend around when there's a chance to reunite with the husband who spent the last year of your marriage doing drugs and cheating on you.

I was just asked nicely to refrain from so much sarcastic commentary. I nicely responded that such a thing was impossible, given what I'm talking about. I hope you're happy; I get to spend tomorrow taking care of the last hundred lobsters that were boiled alive. It's exactly as fun as it sounds.

So, happy coincidence, about a week later Ray semi-came out of hiding, seeking Horatio's help. Understandably, there wasn't a lot of tearful hugging between the brothers, since H was rather hostile about Raymond deliberately ditching his family, and Ray was ticked off by Horatio's judgment. And mostly, because Ray Jr. had been kidnapped and it was a race against time to find him. Since there was no way to explain the reason for the last part to Yelina without mentioning Ray Sr. – though believe me, he tried – he finally just spat it all out at once and hoped she was too distracted by her missing son to care about him hiding that other part.

So there was a showdown with the guns and the deception, and the kid was saved but his dad was shot, and I'd go into a lot more detail if it wasn't all part of an elaborate fake-out, the highlight of which was making Yelina think her husband was dead. Again.

To take her mind off the recent whirlwind of events, Horatio came bearing the gift of three plane tickets to Brazil. Apparently it's the sexiest place on earth; so in other words, a great place to get over the fact that after about three hours' worth of knowing that your long-dead husband is actually alive, he ended up dead. Especially if you're going there with his brother, to whom you may or may not have been attracted to in the past. Or…

Bait and switch! Casablanca style!

Try and wrap your brain around this. I will simplify it by using letters: A is for Horatio, B is for Yelina, and C is for Raymond. And D is for Ray Jr.

A and C both love B. B is, or was, married to C, but halfway in love with A. C is blissfully ignorant of any untoward behavior between A & B, until he sees them together and promptly bashes his head against the airplane wall. No worries, though, because A is noble and self-sacrificing and would never violate the sacrament of marriage/disrupt familial honor by asking B to stay. And so the little B-C-D family disappears forever, leaving A all alone.

Okay, by "simplify," I might have meant "needlessly complicate," but I think I made my point.

Bottom line: H watches his undead brother fly off to Brazil with "the woman he secretly loves and the son he never had." (Seriously, girls, do you write novels in your spare time?) Now the Caines can be dramatic on two continents.


	3. Flying Sparks

Extended Disclaimer: Yay for Grey's Anatomy, as created by Shonda Rhimes, because "dark and twisty" is an amusing description of Meredith, and so I am stealing it for this story.

A/N: At first I held off on updating because this chapter was only half the length of the preceding one. Wouldn't you know it, another sleepless night and I end up with the longest one yet! So I split it into two parts, just to keep the fun going a little longer.

Hope you're continuing to have as much fun as I am. Reviews still make me extra-happy!

Chapter 3: Flying Sparks  


The first anniversary of my death passed without incident. Or, actually, recognition of any sort, which doesn't really match up with H's antics of the year before, so…clearly, all he learned over his summer vacation (which once again lacked any appointments with psychologists) was how to completely bottle up all his emotions. Tsk, tsk. Don't you know that's how most famous axe murderers start out?

On the other hand, he does manage to kill at least a dozen people per year. Someone should probably explore the correlation at some point. Okay, back my roundup of last year's split-continent angst:

In North America, Horatio was pretty much having the best year of his life. That was not sarcasm! Okay, it was, but it was to advance the story! Could I have a pass, please? Just once? Thank you.

First, he was green-lit by "the most dangerous gang in Miami," who apparently sprang up overnight since I never heard of them. I'd make cracks about how the most dangerous gang can't hit the most conspicuous target, except as previously mentioned I now know that Horatio has a small army of angels devoted solely to protecting his life.

Next, after a few weeks of faithfully chanting "Yelina is safe, she's with her family, and she's happy," 20 times a day to himself, he declared the torch temporarily extinguished and got involved with another states attorney. Unlike snippy Rebecca, Rachel Turner was actually quite pleasant, but she promptly met her maker (and me, but that's an unrelated topic) at the hands of another of his arch enemies - one he was able to punch without getting in trouble - and since H was the last one to see her alive, he officially became the prime suspect. I don't understand how anyone would have been suspicious of him for a minute, since he's chivalrous almost to the point of chauvinism when it comes to women, but it still earned him a few hours in a holding cell, courtesy of Stetler.

In retrospect, I don't think Walter Resden's a very smart man. If he really wanted to hurt Horatio, he would have tracked down the remaining members of his family, not a woman he'd been seeing for a grand total of three weeks. And if he really wanted to get Horatio thrown in jail, he would have killed Stetler. Think about it. If it were Stetler lying in a pool of blood, there'd be at least a dozen witnesses attesting to his several prior murderous threats, and even I might have had to think twice before jumping to his defense.

They eventually cleared him, of course, but the murderer strolled off without any punishment at all because the judge in charge of the case was the same one H made an enemy of the previous year. Pay attention, this scenario will look familiar later.

Fortunately, Horatio got his revenge a few months down the road, shooting him to save the life of someone else. In all seriousness, if he didn't have a badge to justify all those bullets, I think he'd be considered one of the most dangerous serial killers in the country. Even so, he spends inordinate amounts of time on one knee, praying for forgiveness. I'll let you in on a little secret…God would ease up on his guilty conscience a lot faster if he'd just kneel properly.

Other secrets require a trip out of state: specifically, my state.

For the second time in two years, a dangerous criminal killed in Miami and fled to New York to continue the murdering spree, so Horatio made another trip to go hang out with his buddy Mac. While up there, he also got slapped with an order to appear in court at some point in the distant future, regarding his involvement in a certain off-duty murder case ten years ago. I can't tell you about that yet. Still classified under priest-patron confidentiality. God's really annoyingly strict about that.

Hey, God. How's it going? I'm telling them all about what Horatio didn't say to his priest. That's right, I was just about to move on.

Just in case he didn't have enough on his plate already, the lab was struck with a mole infestation, and his spare time was spent plotting ways to have Ryan flush him or her out. They never did manage to succeed at that, while the mole merrily continued to leak information about how Delko popped positive for marijuana and Bobby was stealing office supplies. Only that first one seemed relevant enough for Stetler to come swaggering down and try to throw another member of the team in jail, though.

Once again, his best efforts were trampled upon to make him look like an idiot, which about drove him over the edge…and I have to make one teensy little digression here to clarify that Stetler checked himself into a mental hospital shortly thereafter to regain his sanity.

So, back to the gossip wall: now would be a good time to introduce you to Delko's sister, Marisol. Just to get all the facts straight, she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer and smoked marijuana to alleviate nausea. Her brother had been buying the drugs for her, but she made the mistake of trying to buy for herself…and her entire cancer support group…and got arrested, because surprisingly, possessing a copious amount of a mind-altering substance is ILLEGAL. H & crew pulled out all the stops to have the charges dropped, something achieved only by the spectacularly lucky coincidence that Marisol bought from a dealer who sold largely fake product.

As you might imagine, not everyone believes in coincidences, namely an attorney named Monica West, who became the newest name on his arch-enemies list. Just in the interest of gender equality. She threw all sorts of nasty insults and accusations, and not-so-subtle threats to send the lab's reputation crashing to the ground and his along with it.

His response was to start dating Marisol. I won't even stoop to commenting that he was probably just jealous that another family was giving his a run for its money in the dark-and-twisty department.

To kick-start what would become a relationship in warp speed, on the first date, they used her pending death-by-cancer as an excuse to - ow! JEEZ GOD. What? No, I was not aware that "jeez" is derived from Jesus and that it is using Your name in vain. I apologize, it won't happen again. Yes, I promise I will keep my commentary less colorful in the future, just let me keep...

Yeah, okay, be back shortly.


	4. Extinguished Flame

A/n: And then this chapter ends up being the shortest, go figure. Working without a definite outline/timeline is kind of frightening, not knowing where I'm going next…ah, oh well.

Chapter 4: Extinguished Flame

What I meant to say was Horatio and Marisol had an extremely chaste relationship. He was afraid to touch her, as a matter of fact, until after three months of dating they abruptly decided to have a baby together.

Well, it was more like Marisol made leading statements and activated his "damsel in distress" signal, but same difference. It's the same signal that prevented him from actively trying to dissuade her from ending her chemo treatments when she explained that "every cycle hurt her chances of conceiving." Right there, he really should have interjected something along the lines of "Yes, but every cycle also DELAYS YOUR DEATH, so I'd call that an even trade-off." However, under the power of the Hypnotic Helpless Doe Eyes, he merely caved and went along with her decision.

God – is it okay to reveal Your role here? Just checking – promptly punched in Marisol's own Catholic complex about illegitimate children, prodding her to ask Horatio if they could get married.

Eric promptly pitched a hissy fit, which would seem a little unreasonable since he'd already assured them he had no problem with them dating if it made her happy, but then again the guy's never been the brightest bulb when it comes to relationships. I mean, he used to think he had a shot with Calleigh. I eventually had to disabuse him of that notion. He claims he got injured breaking up an underground chop-shop, but really…

Sorry, digression.

So they got married at the courthouse. Arguably due to lack of time, but that was a pretty flimsy excuse if you ask me. Why were they so sure there was no time to spare when in the blink of an eye, she went into remission? In fact, the more cynical observers might even make claims that Marisol was never actually sick in the first place, but merely had her eye on those fistfuls of hundreds he routinely hands out.

Lucky thing I'm not that cynical. I can afford to be objective, and admit how tragic it was that their marriage didn't even last the week.

By this point, the Noches had gotten sick of the way bullets kept apparently bouncing right off the red-headed lieutenant, so they decided to change their policy and green-light members of his family instead, namely by shooting Marisol. To make it even more tragic, she was not killed outright but severely wounded, in such a way that if not for a delay in reaching the hospital, she might have lived. My favorite part of this story is the way he told her to "hang in there" in the ambulance …I am becoming increasingly suspicious that the man grew up with a poster of a kitten clinging to a tree branch taped to his bedroom door.

Sorry. Really, I'm going to practice not digressing.

It was touch-and-go, but in the end, there was too much damage, and she lived just long enough to say goodbye as he sat beside her. And right there - at the exact moment she drew her last breath – is the point where H officially snapped. He didn't do anything drastic like start screaming or smashing mirrors, but his spiraling loss of sanity became apparent when he began throwing suspects in car trunks, driving them to remote locations and beating the crap out of them, barely bothering to come up with a cover story. An even bigger indicator? He misplaced his sunglasses on two separate occasions and didn't notice for _hours_. Finally, there was the way in which he was nearly as absent from the federal swoop through the lab as Stetler was, leaving Calleigh to do most of the interventions.

H _never_ misses an opportunity to insult federal agents and/or threaten them with death.

Speaking of which, according to everyone's favorite spooky FBI agent (no, not Mulder), under the Amendment of The Greater Good, the man responsible for Marisol's death (Antonio Riaz, for clarification purposes) got sent back to Brazil basically scot-free. After vowing never to love again, Horatio stormed off after him with Eric in tow, all "laws & jurisdiction be damned, WE WANT REVENGE." You know, in retrospect, where was this love when I got shot? All H did in the immediate wake of my death was kick around a few suspects, and Eric merely drowned his sorrows in anonymous women. I think I might be a little bitter now. But I'll carry on.

I'll carry on over there. Way over there. where Marisol won't find me, because the look in her eyes suggests that it would be in my best interest to run – speedily - in the opposite direction. Really, I meant "hypnotic doe eyes" in the nicest possible way…

Now, to retell the year from the viewpoint of the southern hemisphere.


	5. Knife Fight Below the Corcovado

A/n: Wow! Been a month! I was hoping for further material as the season progressed, but after five episodes after Rio I'm still feeling cheated, so I decided to end the story here. It is, however, a ridiculously long chapter. Longer than 3 & 4 COMBINED.

A/n 2: I really do love Ryan. Deep down inside. I just have a funny way of showing it.

Special Thanks To: Every dear heart who enjoys this and reviews, Focus Adolescent Services for providing me a nicely quotable chunk of information, ET for clarifying where in heck the switchblade stabbing occurred, and God for being such a great sport throughout.

* * *

Knife Fight Below The Corcovado

Down in South America, the other Caines had been going through plenty, too, though it took us a while to hear anything about them. Crossed-wire communications, and all. Different continents down there lead to different departments up here. It's complicated. You'll understand when you're dead. Anyway.

Preliminary reports indicated that Ray Jr. had decided to go into the family business, by which I mean drug trafficking. When I first heard about this, I figured he had come to the conclusion that since his dad got into all this trouble for _pretending_ to do drugs, he might as well _actually_ do drugs. No one ever bothered to correct Ray J's belief that his father was a totally clean undercover cop. You see what happens when you try to protect people from the truth, Horatio?

Of course he doesn't.

Later reports indicated that it was a little more complex than that, for example, that Ray Senior actually was back into the deep, dark heroin underworld. Because that IN NO WAY WAS THE REASON HIS LIFE GOT SCREWED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'm tempted to ask for a time-out to go punch a brick wall, because I'm not sure I have the words to describe the incomprehensible idiocy of Raymond Caine. I mean, at what point did he think it would be okay to come within a hundred yards of the stuff?

Basically, it went like this: Raymond _attempted _to get a regular job, but after a couple months of slaving away for mediocre (read: average) wages, he threw it in for the far more lucrative business of selling drugs, telling himself that he'd just do it a few times a week for supplemental income. Denial is the first warning sign that you have a problem. Selling drugs moved into trying drugs, one time, just for show. Which turned into coming home with glassy eyes and an inability to eat.

For several months, Yelina conveniently ignored all of this and kept pasting a smile on her face and repeating things like "Horatio knew what he was doing…Ray's changed…husband back from dead miracle…" Didn't even ask how they got the money to buy the giant house considering she wasn't working (developed a nice flower-arranging hobby, though) and Ray ripped up the check from Horatio, muttering things about how _he_ was "the head of this family" and "didn't need big brother's help anymore." Really, though. Their place in Miami wasn't _that_ nice.

Eventually, this devolved into what many a desperate housewife does, complaining about her husband behind his back from noon til night, in a manner which eventually wore on her son's nerves. He was soon in constant screaming matches with his mother,who, it should be noted, refused to let her brother-in-law or anyone else who might be able to help them (coughtherapistcough) know what was going on. Really, the kid is a whole separate case on his own. Should I just quote from the booklet?(Title: "Sources of Teenage Stress") "_Possible factors that may place emotional stress on your teenager include school demands and frustrations, changes in their bodies, problems with friends _like how they're all drug mules?,_ unsafe living environment/neighborhood _i.e. "Riaz Country"_, moving to a new community, changing schools, taking on too many activities, having too high expectations_, _and/or pressure to consume alcohol or drugs _okay, leaving THAT alone."

For starters, the fact that he didn't speak Portuguese didn't give him much incentive to pay attention in school, so he spent his time coming up with complicated conspiracy theories involving his father's involvement in a secret and dangerous undercover mission that was going south. On the bright side, it turned out the kid wasn't actually doing drugs. On the other hand, he got into the manufacturing & transporting business under the delusion that he was the only one who could save his father's life (see stress factor "setting expectations too high").

I don't really understand, but then I don't really care, either. This can all be addressed later, by a more qualified person. You see, I think we have a nice thick file for the therapist already, don't we? I declare it finished.

Good timing, actually, because H and Delko are landing in Brazil right about now, and that means half my audience just up and left to make sure the former doesn't do anything stupid like trip down the airport stairs. Oh, and one of them is watching Delko's back too. I shudder to think of how the drama will explode when we get all four Caines together again in the same time and place…but I bet it's really entertaining. I'm going to send this and then see about tagging along.

Hey! Mary-Anne, wait up! Can I come with you?

* * *

_TWO MONTHS LATER_

No. No way, I refuse to come back and give you a progress report; I will NOT spend any more time leading Story Hour and I don't CARE how many demerits you agree to erase if I do…

Wait. All of them? You'll get rid of all fifty-seven I've racked up this week and let me start fresh?

Hot damn. pause You'll erase that one too, right? …if I start talking immediately and stop stalling?

Excellent.

So, the dynamic duo entered Brazil to make sure Riaz got all the jail time he deserved. Instead, the first thing they saw was him skipping out a free man, because the FBI had stricken most of the witness names out of the testimony because said witnesses were under federal protection, and the Brazilian government decided that without them, there was no case. Well, that might be a problem, right?

Wrong. Riaz wasn't a very good Noche member, as despite their no-drug-selling policy, in his Brazilian life he's a commanding drug lord. Where does one go if one wants to found out information on drugs and their lords? To see Raymond Caine, of course.

Ray wasn't home, but his wife was, so Horatio got a brief reunion with his sister-in-law, who had apparently been studying his wedding photos and picked out her white-dress wardrobe accordingly. Issues, issues!

Issues H really didn't have time for, in the interest of getting Riaz off the streets, so it was off to find Ray Sr. Unfortunately, he was sort of busy…dying. Violently beaten to a bloody pulp – quite literally – and strung upside down from the rafters. Until he opened his mouth, I actually felt quite sorry for him.

However, Ray used his dying breaths to wheeze that he was 'just trying to help his family.' To his credit, perhaps because by this point he had realized that pathological lying is a family trait or perhaps because it's hard to hate someone who already resembles a piece of tenderized meat, Horatio did not punch him in the face, but merely pledged to continue doing what he'd been doing since the first time Ray died. Take care of Ray Jr., that is. Classily, Ray made no mention of Yelina. Then he died in his brother's arms, just to wreak a little more havoc with Horatio's emotions.

So once again, he had the happy task of breaking news of his brother's death to the woman, whose first reaction was "I don't believe you." Ordinarily, that refusal to accept reality would be an issue worth discussing, but under the circumstances, it's understandable.

Also understandable is Horatio's worry that Mr. Riaz might be after his nephew next, so there was a race to find him – achieved without much trouble. Unfortunately, Ray was still operating under his "Must cooperate with Riaz/find Dad/NO ONE CAN HELP ME!" plan of action, and so despite the angry look and the shouting, Ray Jr. ultimately opted to bite his thumb at his uncle and stalk off with his friendly local neighborhood drug lord.

Shortly thereafter, H discovered that his nephew had been acting as a drug mule. Precisely how he thought muleing drugs was going to help his father remains unclear, but keep in mind this is a 14-year-old boy. They don't usually have the clearest rationale even under normal circumstances. And this is a troubled 14-year-old boy who's already attended his father's funeral, watched his mother hit on his uncle and vice versa, watched his mother's boyfriend actually hit her (in the literal sense of the word, although the figurative slang sense might explain a lot), gone through bone-marrow transplantation to help a half-sister he didn't know he had, had his father inexplicably return, and then been uprooted from the world he knew and sent to a new secret life in another country. Sorry for the digression. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but the levels of screwed-up-ness in this family are getting pretty fascinating.

Meanwhile, Delko went hunting for Riaz on his own, winding up on a helicopter landing pad beneath the Corcovado (known among non-native laymen as Jesus Hill, and I probably shouldn't have said that), to challenge him to a duel. Neglected to bring any sort of weapon, though; not even his whacking stick. Jane, that's not a double entendre, so don't give me the "I'm going to report you" eyebrow. Now, I have a lot of faith in Delko's revenge-fueled Fists of Rage, but not that much.

There's probably some kind of complicated international legal code to explain how H managed to be parted from his gun for so long; I'm not sure exactly what, but neither he nor Eric carried guns the whole time they were in the country. Maybe they just didn't want to tempt themselves in case they cornered Riaz. They weren't particularly concerned with following the law back in Miami; I wouldn't have thought a little thing like lacking a gun permit would stop them in Brazil, but you never know.

Oddly, Antonio wasn't carrying a gun either, but that was mostly due to his confidence in his ambidextrousness coupled with his skill in the ancient art of knife fighting. Unfortunately for him, he was too intensely focused on killing Eric to notice Horatio sneaking up behind him, grabbing the discarded spare knife, and holding it to his throat. I'm going through this part in great detail, because I think it explains a lot.

Eric broke free and got out of the way, resulting in an intense staring contest between H & Riaz, in which Horatio pretended to consider the option of letting him live in exchange for information about where Ray Jr was, an offer no one actually believed. After three seconds of taking his last opportunity to mock and taunt, Antonio launched himself, knife-in-hand, at H. Who promptly impaled him on the little pointy knife of his own.

Riaz looks stunned.

Riaz dies.

Horatio stares blankly.

That noise you heard was the sound of his hundred-strong contingency of guardian angels falling over in shock.

It was at this point that Horatio decided it would be a good time to see that therapist everyone around him plus several unidentifiable voices in his head had been urging him to see for the past five years. Violently shanking someone will have that effect on you, in a way that firing a bullet, even at point-blank range, apparently won't. The hundred-foot statue of Christ glaring down at him may have had something to do with it, too.

Well, first there was a quick pit stop to save Ray's life, shoot one more random drug lord, and try to convince Yelina to stay in Miami. Her agreement was the thing that finally convinced him he was crazy, since something seemed to be going _right_ in his life, and he scheduled an appointment with a psychologist right away.

Yelina did not schedule a similar appointment for her son, nor did Horatio indicate that it might be a good idea, considering that a few hours beforehand, Ray was 100 ready to kill someone, even _before_ he found out that his dad had been killed again. That kind of collected rage will not manifest itself well without treatment, mark my words.

For the old boss, however, it seems to have been going well. He only brings up Marisol once a week now, instead of twice a day, and he's shown a marked improvement in his interpersonal behavior and attitudes. They worked on lots of issues, namely being civil towards other government workers. Others include telling the truth more often and keeping his itchy trigger finger down once in a while. They set this up through a series of assignments.

First assignment: forgive Rick Stetler and call a truce. Took him five sessions to accept that, but he eventually came around. (Though sadly, Stetler still thinks Horatio's going to get him at some point, and so has added "inexplicable mood swings – possibly being blackmailed?" to the IAB file he works on every spare minute)

Second assignment: Begin referring to Ryan and Calleigh by their first names. Also, begin speaking to Natalia at all. It was really bad form the way he spent several weeks pretending the newest member of his team didn't exist.

Other assignments were related to things such as convincing him that he cannot attend every murder victim's funeral in the greater Miami-Dade area. And that every damsel in distress does not need his personal attention. So now, in addition to the crime-scene-processing/scientific duties he usually passes off on other people, he has delegated many of his empathizing duties to Calleigh and his indignantly-standing-up-for-the-downtrodden duties to Ryan. He still can't always help himself when it comes to mistreated children and helpless women, but he's trying to occasionally focus on something other than the job, and I wish him well in the future.

And you - Katie - not one word out of you! I don't want to know the particulars of this "exploding SUV" you're talking about over there, because I am sure it has something to do with Horatio, and that would detract from my "H is fine so I don't have to talk about him any more" plans. So be quiet. Though I do hope someone reminds H that sisters of employees do not good dates make. Delko, tell Natalia to keep her sister away from CSI if she wants her to live. Delko! Are you listening?!

Oh, shoot. I forgot; HIS psychologist already told him to ignore the voices in his head - that no matter how much they sometimes sounded like Speed, they were only figments of his imagination trying to bring me back. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Besides, there's still Ryan…man, that kid is easy to mess with. For a while, I even got him to believe he was cursed. In retrospect, Ryan probably needs anger-management classes, but I refuse to detail the reasons why, because I am done talking and I've earned some well-deserved rest. Quit looking at me like that, Sophie. Speedle's Story Sessions are officially CLOSED.

The end.


End file.
